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To Space, To Heaven

by Gabriel J. Wheeler

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1.
Look around
2.
It wasn’t what I thought it would be. It wasn’t floating castles or gold-paved streets, it was everything that I couldn’t see. It was wild, and it was scary, and it couldn’t see me too. It opened its mouth and it tried to swallow me. I put up a fight, but I didn’t know if I wanted to. It was everything inside of me. It was massive, and it stunk, and it could not be satiated. I gave it everything that I could; everything I had so I could still hold my skin together. It walked away begrudgingly. I almost felt bad, and then my skin started to give so I left.
3.
To Hermon 04:01
Carry me home, I’ve been a fool. Lying in the dark I came close to an answer. Break my will, make it match the decor of a sad little loser who can’t do anything right. Come on get me higher, I’m sick of this scene. Somewhere in my head maybe I know what I want. I don’t know what I want, but maybe I know what I don’t. Or maybe I don’t. The darkness turns towards me and opens its mouth. These contrived little metaphors are getting me nowhere, so kill me already, cause I’ve readied my grave. It never ends with this derivative nonsensical bullshit. Where is home? I feel like a fool. Lying in the dark I came close to a question. Give it a rest, cause you’re not fooling anyone. But if I can fool myself, then maybe I can sleep. Lying in the dark I found literally nothing.
4.
I don't want to wait anymore.
5.
I guess I lied. You can have everything if there’s anything left to have, but I’m pretty picked dry. My bones are all bleached, and my muscles are gone, and my blood's all discolored and oxidized. And my eyes are both eaten clean out of my skull, cause we both fucked up, only I didn’t know it then, and you still don’t know it now. I didn’t know when, and I didn’t know how, I should’ve ran far away, where I wouldn’t be found. I should’ve moved across country and lived in the sun, I should’ve cried on the phone until you knew what you’d done cause it’s you. But you’re not you anymore, and I’m not who you thought I was. I’m small, and I’m mostly buzzwords to pique your interest and make you feel like I’m someone worth spending your time on. But I’m not. You wasted a year and I’m wasting every moment without you here, cause it’s you. But you’re not you anymore and I’m not who I thought I was. I’m small, and I’m mostly just hot air in a jar that’s quickly escaping cause I can’t get the lid shut. I can’t fix my head cause it’s you, but you’re not you anymore and I’m gone.
6.
Try to take a breath
7.
I’m scared. It feels like the rug’s been pulled out from under my feet. I’m unprepared to see what the future has for me, cause you’re gone. Everything’s gone in the blink of an eye, and it didn’t take long. I guess I’m just not that sort of guy. Now I’m losing it all, it feels like nothing will come. I loved you, I was happy, am I really that dumb? Is it something I did, or something I said, or just something that we had inside of our heads? I’m a child, a loser, you act like I am. With no ambition, no courage, and no future plans, I'm completely untethered, and I’m nothing but time slipping out through your fingers as long as you’re mine. I’m grasping at straws, I feel like I’m gonna fall. It’s not the future of us, it’s the future of all. My future feels like inevitable trending towards waking up alone and so near the ending, pleading God why’d you let me waste all of my time? Why did I not see that every second was mine to make something of and I threw it away and I’m saying so much but there’s so much to say. Cause I feel like love feels like giving up.
8.
I am a man, I'm just not the man I want to be yet.
9.
I’m trying to find the fun, but settling down feels like settling. Well, maybe I should’ve done, or just find a way out of this. I can still taste your teeth. I can’t help but reminisce. I’m scared that things won’t move on. It seems like you have. Okay, you love me. Isn’t it lovely?I guess I do. I guess everything starts to get old. I guess I got tired of just always doing what I was told. Things that I used to love now leave me uneasy. I wanna see it from above. I know I can’t trust myself in knowing what I want. I wanna leave it all behind me, but I want someone beside me, I don’t know what I want. She used to be so sweet, big brown eyes under a messy fringe of hair, flowers thrown at her feet. Now she walks in with half a pack shoved down her throat, pouring poison everywhere. Now I regret what I wrote. I feel like some sick old man preying on the youth. Now my teeth taste like yours cause I want her more.
10.
We climbed the hill, made poetry as the day wound down. I craved loud, and giant crowds, and lights downtown. I felt young, younger than I’d ever felt before, and those nights felt like home. Take off your shoes and lock the door. I was dumb, sleeping where I shouldn’t be. I was racing underground, too high and too fast to see that I felt love. Or at least something that I hadn’t felt before, but I guess I should’ve gone home. Took off my shoes and locked the door. Now all my friends are gone, and I haven’t felt that way in years. Five years gone like a breath, and I can’t just fill it up with weed, food, and beer, but you know I’ll try. I feel older than I’ve ever felt before. I want to go home. I'll leave all my vices at the door. I’m trapped in one place, it doesn’t matter where I go. Everyone else has moved on, finding love and playing shows, and I feel stuck. More stuck than I’ve ever felt before. I want more. I feel old, older than I’ve ever felt before. I feel old, burn my shoes, break down the door. I feel so old. I feel so goddamn old.
11.
I wanna get off of this rock. I want to go see what’s going on. I wanna meet god off somewhere under a different sun. I want to feel like I'm alive. I want to know heaven before I die. I want to see space, I want to know it all, I want to know everything all of the time. I want to go to space, I want to go to heaven. Each moment it feels like the last. It feels like I’m chasing after my past. After some time anything felt like it’d be fine. Nostalgias wormed deep in my bones, some sort of ideal that I’ll never know. I'm running in circles, chasing my tale, dizzy and tired. I want to go to space, I want to go to heaven. I want to go, I want to go
12.
I've grown up quite a bit since then, I guess

about

I want to go to space, I want to go to heaven.

credits

released November 17, 2017

All music written and recorded by Gabriel Wheeler in several bedrooms in Washington State.

All music performed by Gabriel Wheeler, besides the harmonies on track 11 which were provided by Lori Wheeler, who is the reason I'm able to make music at all.

Space sounds in all tracks provided by the wonderful people at NASA.

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Gabriel J. Wheeler Seattle, Washington

@gabrieljwheeler

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