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Becoming Animal

by gabriel / Cederström

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1.
Tamar 02:28
I didn’t mean to keep on looking up all during the show I didn't mean to get my hopes up as if I didn’t know Because I knew you wouldn’t be there when you didn’t respond Hell I knew you wouldn’t be there even if you’d responded Didn’t mean to make it all about wanting to see you I know I’m not the only guy who’s dying to see you Didn’t mean to write about you in like half of my songs I didn’t mean to want you even when I knew it was wrong This song wasn’t supposed to be about you I had it all written and it wasn’t about you But it still felt like it was sort of about you I wrote a different song and it still was about you So I guess this thing is all about you But I’m not sure if I even know you I guess I’m just writing about who we were I loved you when I still knew who we were Come sit next to me I push people away because they shouldn't have to put up with me But I guess that's not always my call to make
2.
OTS 44 04:18
Who was I this time last year? It feels like ages ago now Who will I be this time next year? I always feel like this is my time, but I never know how Was I happier back then? Maybe I was less anxious, less afraid to go to sleep But my numbers got to be up soon Because after all, it’s all about me, just try counting sheep or something I’m always running out of things to tell myself to make myself feel better It always feels like everything I say to feel better, none of it really works Is it better to be or feel better? I can’t keep my mind in the present, I’m so wrapped up in everything I don’t know if I’d rather go out Or just hole up under covers, and try not to think about anything at all I’m always running out of things to tell myself to make myself feel better It always feels like all those things I say to feel better, none of it really works I know I wasn’t happier back then Because I'm kind of a miserable person, and the grass is always greener after all Is that just always how it goes? Maybe everything is terrible, and I just have to make the call I’m always running out of things to tell myself to make me feel better I spend so much time trying just to make myself feel better, that I never do anything at all
3.
Hemitaxia 03:45
How was your day? I’ve been thinking a lot about living inside of your skin again Because mine is starting turn I think, it’s curling up at the edges, and I can’t seem to bend it back in How’s the new job? I feel like I’m barely awake all the time, and somehow it’s your fault I feel like you gave me something, everything looks so grey all the time Like I’m color blind, my stomach’s all twisted in knots every day when I roll out of bed to do whatever Everyone’s out doing things and I feel like I’m locked in a prison of my own design How is your family? I know that that last bit was over dramatic, and it's not fault That I often don’t see a reason to get out of bed at all, yeah she made me feel good but where does that get me now? Just another in a long line of small bits of hope that burn out How’d your presentations go? I’ve lost track of who I wanted this song to be about How’s my old friend? I wonder sometimes how often I’m the point of discussion
4.
Brutalism 03:57
I hate to admit that I miss you It turns out I can’t run away I’ve run out of all of my patience I can imagine all the things that you’d say right now “Can’t you just make a decision? You make things so much harder than they need to be Stop being so overdramatic Here, let me do it, it’s easy” I don’t miss the constant belittling Or feeling like a burden you bear I just wish that I wasn’t sober I just wish that I didn’t care I thought that I wouldn’t care, oh what a sad little victim I make You were the villain, and at the worst I made some mistakes Will someone take care of that kid? I’ve been waiting for something to happen For someone to take me away To take me to space, or to heaven I probably don’t deserve to go, anyway I don't know what makes me so special Think I’ve a right to know what’s going on But I’ve got a right to nothing Just like everyone else it goes on and on and on I thought that I wouldn’t care, oh what a sad little victim I make You were the villain, sure I know that I made some mistakes I thought that I wouldn’t be scared, oh what a sad little story I tell I don’t even know what I’m saying, we both put each other through hell Honestly, he’s making a mess Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me For I am desolate and afflicted
5.
It’s not a joke As if I’m even funny Even though we’re always broke I tried not to worry about the money I’m not trying to be dramatic I’m not trying to be difficult I’m just trying to see eye to eye And not be looked at like a criminal I’m trying hard to stay in I’m trying so hard to be happy I just want us to be happy I don’t know where to begin What if I let it fall apart? Do you think that we could make it right? I swear I’m not trying to be funny I’m guess I'm just trying to be alright But I can only blame myself Cause I can’t see past myself I know that I’m always complaining But telling me that doesn’t help right now It’s not that I’m not over it Two years I lost are what I can’t forget I know that I can’t point the finger We didn’t mean to hurt each other but it’s all we did And at the end of all of it You love is what I can’t forget I know that I should stop complaining But don’t you talk to me about complaining
6.
I was scared that I wouldn’t feel it again There wasn’t love there, but you let me in You made me feel life, you made me feel love And the light of the morning, was nothing to be afraid of It took me awhile to get all this out To find the words to say what it’s all about I’ve written this song a thousand times Suffice it to say, that you took a dead man, and you gave him life Cause I felt hollow, I was living without cause And you were vibrant, and I’m not sure what you saw I might be romanticizing things a bit But I think you, you might be the reason that I made it I may never see you, we may never speak And I guess I wouldn’t want you, to really know what it means In the end you won’t hear this, and I’m singing to myself But in the end it doesn't matter, if you know how much you helped
7.
Two men lost to their hands I’m trying to understand what the point of any of it might be One year, and so many more goodbye’s I finally cried, but just for a second, I choked it back down and I kept my face straight Two types of dying from disease I don’t know what it means to finally feel free Can someone show me please? I need to see it painted in relief Two men grown weary of this life I’m starting to feel like there’s nothing to understand One year filled with moving on With so much gone, it goes on and on, I can’t fit it all in this song Two types of trying to let go I’ve got nothing to show, for all this pain, nowhere to go Cause there’s nothing to know, no secrets, above or below Can someone convince me different? Oh God, can someone convince me different?
8.
9.
Dukkha 01:58
10.
Hazel 03:51
I haven’t dreamt in six months I think I’m smoking too much The last dream that I had I don’t know what to make of We ran into each other in the middle of nowhere She left her friends to go with me Told me her boyfriend won’t stop getting flu shots Said "The thing I love won't stop hurting itself" Then she said I look different My eyes were darker More damning, or accusatory, or something like that But they just felt older, like they could see through people We embraced And there was love there And then I woke up

credits

released May 25, 2018

Conceptual credit to the brilliant French Philosophers Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari

Album art credit to the brilliant artist, writer, and mother Lori Wheeler

All music written, performed, recorded, and produced by Gabriel Wheeler, except for the harmonica on track 8, which was performed and recorded by Luke Martin, and the slide guitar on track 8, which was performed and recorded by Forrest Reed.

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Gabriel J. Wheeler Seattle, Washington

@gabrieljwheeler

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